How to stay in love: A book by James J. Sexton
How to stay in love – Article écrit par Florent Sidler pour Table Bleue
What a title, wow. The question that everyone has been asking himself since the age of divorce has begun. Not very original though– to say the least- but straight to the point.
That is what I like with James “J.” Sexton, he is a no bullshit kind of guy. I discovered him through one of his video on Youtube intitled A Divorce Attorney’s Thoughts On Love and Marriage – James Sexton which I found really refreshing for tackling the topic of marriage and long-term commitment through the lens of divorce and his practice as a divorce lawyer in Manhattan. The video shows a very professional, very witty and kind of alternative looking (tattoos on both his arms) kind of style. But at the same time James projects seriousness and natural authority.
James J. Sexton is not exactly your district lawyer, more like the lawyer for the super rich and famous. But he speaks in a way that is very relatable and approachable, and, most surprisingly, speaks publicly (I am guessing very few lawyers do).
His main theme, which prevails through his interviews and in the present book, is how people end up in marriages without any idea of what marriage is, what it entails and what consequences are bound by this engagement. Hence, the “result”: more than 53% of marriages fail in the US on average.
Marriage is a technology.
When you got married, or if and when you think about getting married, did you or will you think about what you expect to get out of it? Did you ask yourself, “What is the purpose of marrying this person?” Yes, you’re crazy about her or him, and love love love being in their presence… What roles, specifically, will you play in this person’s life, and they in yours? What do you get in exchange for doing this?
What’s the job description of marriage?
Marriage is tricky; any long-lasting relationship between two partners is tricky; maintaining romantic love can be tricky. I have learned, over and over, that marriages and other committed relationships fail for two fundamental reasons.
1. You don’t know what you want.
2. You can’t express what you want.
James emphasizes on two main topics: awareness of what are the trivial but very real impacts of divorce (mainly: emotional distress and huge losses of money), and on the importance of knowing what you are getting into. He is a big advocate of prenuptial agreements – the idea to negotiate your deal instead of relying on the common law agreement. The reason being that marriages were conceived in a time where women were dependent on – and the property of – the husband, who was consequently responsible for the women’s wellbeing. Divorce at the time was a way of making sure that the dependent woman would be taken care of in the future, in the absence of the ex-husband. With the changes of modern time, this situation leads many men to be deprived of a substantial amount of their income, leading to exceedingly difficult economic situation, on top on a very distressful time. While there are certainly cases where the traditional model is still held (I know it was somehow the case in my own family), the modern couple is certainly unfit for such agreements, and so James proposes to negotiate a better deal.
The reason I bought the book is because I was very interested in James’ videos and wanted to know more about the character and his views.
From the start of the book, James emphasizes on the fact that he is not a psychologist, nor a priest, and that his views stem from his practice as a divorce lawyer. However, he rightly points out that his 20+ years of experience in the field has given him some insight into human psychology, and the various challenges that can lead a marriage to defect. He also points out that knowing the defaults can lead to derive the virtues. That is I think where this book is refreshing from other self-development books: it takes the errors to derive the what-to-dos. A bit like if you read about people who failed at their companies and derive what to do in order to be successful in your business.
Throughout the book, James J. Sexton uses well-chosen real-life examples from his practice to highlight his main points of view. From the wife cheating on his husband with her tennis teacher to the man engaging in playful sex games in sex clubs while his wife is unaware, James leaves no stones unturned. These examples are presented in a very ironic, sarcastic, and humorful tone, which makes the book very fun to read. However, you can sense James’ empathy towards his clients and his very humane nature, when he rightfully points out the complex situations that led to these events, and the complex nature of relationships, where needs and wants are constantly in a state of negotiation, and where complacency, negligence and sometimes downright unawareness can lead to disaster.
When a client comes in for a consultation and, after my little opening soliloquy, says, “You’re not going to believe what I’m going to tell you…” or “This is going to be a new one for you….” my interior monologue is something like, Really? Because unless you’re a nun who’s fucking your cousin while married to a hit man for the Russian mob who has liquidated all of their drug money and converted it into Nigerian currency that you’ve transferred to your tattooed bisexual lover who happens to be a sitting judge, you’re not making a blip on my shock radar. If you’re about to tell me that you caught your spouse cheating with the babysitter; I’m going to have a hard time not falling asleep in my chair. I get stranger things than that in the box with my breakfast cereal.
James is also very good at depicting his characters’ personalities, flaws and biases. What is very interesting to read is how these biases make the job of the divorce lawyer very difficult, because the lawyer bases his cases on some story that the client tells him, and sometimes the clients change their stories half-way through the trial process, or reveal something which is clearly working against their interests. It’s very impactful to read on how people (and each one of us really) can be their worst enemy.
The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but it appears to be incredibly popular, at least from where I’m sitting.
It was also enriching to learn a bit more about what makes a good divorce lawyer, and you can see throughout the book the various ways in which James conducts his trials and beats his cases. The basic strategy being precisely to use the flaws of the person in front of him, to make them prejudice themselves, and then generate a good opinion on his client for the jury and judge, using the familiar story of the virtuous person vs the negligent/borderline malicious person. The story must be of course tight proof and avoid any deviating evidence, which is precisely why honesty from the client is required.
Come on, Gabe, you know this! I know you do. Don’t let me rattle you.
Don’t let the judge rattle you. Just take a breath and ask Candy the question. You need to use the phrase “accurately depict,” that’s all. But you can’t not use it. Any permutation that includes the phrase will do the trick. Even if you missed that day of law school, you had to have read Mauet’s Trial Techniques. This would have been on at least one test. Go ahead. Do it.
Gabe stopped. He looked broken.
“I don’t know how to proceed, Your Honor.”
At this point, the court could have done a number of things, including throwing Gabe a life vest and simply walking him through it and telling him what question to ask. But it was a Tuesday and it was just before lunch. The judge didn’t seem in the mood to help anyone to anything.
“If you’re trying to get the photo into evidence, counselor, which I assume you are, you need to ask the appropriate foundational questions,” he said, condescendingly, as if speaking to a child.
This is wrong, so absolutely wrong. I usually want to win—but in this case we don’t deserve to win, and we certainly don’t deserve to win this way.
My client doesn’t deserve to get away with beating this woman mercilessly because she’s poor and her lawyer didn’t pay attention in trial advocacy class.
In terms of the “flaws” of the book, I found that the topic was rather too narrowed down sometimes, and I would have liked for James to dive a bit more on what to do to prepare a marriage (how to negotiate, what to negotiate), and also in terms of reconstruction after a divorce (how to cope, what to do to get back on your feet, etc.). While I get that the former is a service that he is being paid for and cannot be too divulged in a book, I found the latter could have been very interesting to read. Also, I found it a bit sad that he did not share his own adventure and recipes that he uses – or that he wrote too seldomly about it in the book. But maybe he wants to keep privacy, which is also understandable.
Overall, I found the book remarkable for various reasons:
1. It depicts the various errors that people make in marriages in a very deep way, deriving from these errors the what-not-to-dos and the to-dos.
2. It derives some wisdom from these examples, in an almost fable-like way. Basically, that virtue in marriage is honesty, consistency and “keeping the fire burning” (maintaining attractiveness basically), and ,in failing marriages, decency.
3. The book highlights the work of the lawyer in a very pragmatic and funny way, and points out the way the system works, which is crucial to understand when you are married/about to get married (although it is the US system in this case).
4. It also shows that while the system can be harsh, and lawyers too, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and while we are all humans and full of flaws, we can rebuild some kind of happiness and continue on.
How to stay in love
Edition 2018
Holt Paperbacks
Henry Holt & Company
Publisher since 1866
120 Broadway
New York, New York 10271
Disponible chez Henry Holt.